Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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