This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize