I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
