how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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