OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
