that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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