just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
