I wish I could teleport
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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