im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize