he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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