I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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