I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
ugly people sure do ruin things
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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