MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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