At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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