I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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