It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
