I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
