Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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