4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
