I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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