God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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