I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
