I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
