I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
