Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
