HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
