You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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