I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
