Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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