i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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