I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
