ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
