Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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