I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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