I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize