I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
