I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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