Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
