I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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