seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
