Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
