I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
