I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
