Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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