I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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