a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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