I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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