god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
