a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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