Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You are the jesus of drinking
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
