I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
