You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
