barbara walters just said penis...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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