i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
