I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize