I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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