one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
In America we eat man semen.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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