I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
