apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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