The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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