I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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