I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
