You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he high fived his dick after we had sex
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
