Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize