in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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