he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
