Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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