Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
