'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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