I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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