I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
