How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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