I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
