I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
no you cant smoke seaweed
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
